Google Goes Home

Big Pineapple

Googling large, massive, sizeable, huge, biggish, quite tall, humongous, colossal pineapple, to see if I can’t get it to go: “It’s The BIG Pineapple!” and quit being a search engine in frustration.

Having given up its big city dreams, I guess it’d head back west and work in its dad’s shop for a while. Probably learn to appreciate good old Midwest values, reconnect with its brother, that sort of thing.

There’s a young cub reporter there who at first gets on Google’s nerves, and Google gets on her nerves, but later they kind of get to like each other. Turns out they both love maps.

Anyway, Google’s got this brainy scheme for glasses that are computers, but everyone thinks they look weird, and Sally (the cub reporter) is like, “Who cares what people say, I believe in you” and everything is going swell.

But then Google’s dad dies (old war wound — we knew it was coming, but kind of forgot about it) and Google’s like, “I can’t pursue my spectacle-based dreams, I have to take over the shop.” And Sally (the cub reporter) has just been offered that swanky job in New York, on the basis of the longform piece on cartography Google helped her with (tipped for the Pulitzer).

Oh yeah: Google’s brother and Google had fallen out again over the glasses by the way, but now, at the funeral, they put aside their animosity. Google’s brother actually did a bit of work on the glasses, and now there could be mainstream interest. “I’ll take care of the shop, you follow your dreams.” Google hugs its brother. “Don’t get all soft on me, kid.”

Google uses its map skills to rush to the airport before Sally’s plane leaves. But it turns out she’d been bumped to an earlier flight.

Google must face its demons — it must go back online. It covers YouTube and Images and News and Gmail and everything to get Sally’s attention. But she’s just staring out the window, doesn’t see a thing.

Then the whole plane is like, “Look, it’s Sally!” They show Sally the internet. They demand that the pilot turn the plane around, he’s like, “You betcha, I’m a Midwest man.”

The whole town is there at the airport. Sally deplanes. Google is like, “Years of being a search engine, and all I ever needed to search for…was you.” Sally is like, “I love you, Google.” They kiss and everyone cheers.

And someone on the plane is the boss of a big spectacle company, and sees Google’s brother wearing the glasses and is like, “Hot dog!” (Some boring lawyer is like, “I’ve got to be in New York!” and the pilot is like, “diddums”.)

Then Sally tells Google she’s actually got a roving, international reporter extraordinaire gig and has to be somewhere tomorrow. Google pulls out their special map that they made together: “Where to?” (Google’s now working on a driverless car.) Sally tells him: “The Big Pineapple”.

Roll credits!

(In the sequel, Google gets taken to court for tax evasion. It’s darker.)

Google Goes Home

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